Every so often, my darling wife will snuggle up next to me on the sofa, lean towards me and whisper softly in my ear those three little words, “Can I play?”. It’s lovely to be sharing my life with such a warm, caring woman who enjoys gaming almost as much as I do. That is, it’s lovely right up to the moment where she says “I quite fancy playing Tiger Woods”, at which point I generally try to smother myself with the couch cushions before giving in and firing up the golf game with a reluctant sigh.

The Tiger Woods title in question is actually a dusty and much abused copy of ’09 and it’s not that I don’t like the game, it’s just that I’m horribly and embarrassingly bad at it. A brain damaged chimp with broken arms could play better than me. So with that in mind, imagine my arse-puckering horror as I return to the game from time to time, only to be presented with the achievement titled Ace In The Hole.

That’s right folks, while I’m swinging wildly at the grass like the worlds least efficient lawnmower, good ol’ Tiger expects me to score a hole in one. Not. Bloody. Likely.

Nearly two years of titting about with Tiger have led me to the inevitable conclusion that I simply cannot nail this cheevo by anything other than continued playtime and buckets o’ luck. So if, like me, you spend more time in the rough than Mario does in the wrong castles, why not follow these few simple tips to at least tip the odds in your favour a little.

1) WHERE’S THE BLASTED HOLE!?

Repeat after me. “I can’t hit a hole in one on a par five”. No matter how epic you may think you are, the chances of you knocking in an ace on a par five are roughly the same as Bowser’s chances of finally hitting second base with Peach, slim to none. So pick yourself a nice little par 3, the 12th hole at Pebble Beach is often recommended, make a custom 18 hole course with this hole playing the part of every other hole et voila. That gives you 18 shots at the thing before starting a new game.

2) TIGERCHU! I CHOOSE YOU!

Hey, bet you’re thinking that one of the pro golfer characters would help, right? What with their high stats and all, huh? Wrong. This achievement only pops if you’re using a created golfer, so strap on some plus fours and get out there. You might want to play a bit of the game first, tune your clubs, maybe buy some gear with stat bonuses. It might help and it sure as hell can’t hurt.

3) IT FEELS LIKE A VERY BLUSTERY DAY, TODAY

Always remember to adjust for wind! This doesn’t mean loosening your belt and popping a Rennie, obviously. I’m talking about checking wind direction and speed before you swing and attempting to adjust appropriately.

I highly recommend playing a full 18 rounds of the Pebble Beach 12th hole, balls flying here, there and everywhere (stop snickering) thanks to gusts, breezes and the occasional passing hurricane. Then, I suggest screaming and possibly crying a little as you set up the next 18 and notice the option to change wind strength. Calm Wind is your friend, use it well.

4) MUTE IT!

I just had to mention this. Playing the game with the volume muted might not help with the achievement but it will help you get out with your sanity relatively intact. What’s so bad with the soundtrack? “Oh, just a nice little filet here”, “Just a nice little filet”, “Well, he’s got a nice little filet here…”. THE COMMENTATOR IS SPEAKING IN TONGUES!

I have no earthly idea what it means, in golf terms, to be presented with a ” nice little filet”. If I were visiting a restaurant, i’d be thrilled at the prospect of a nice filet. When i’m ankle deep in sand and thrashing away at the ball like a defective weed whacker, I couldn’t give a monkey’s left plum!

I’ve Googled this drivel and can find no record whatsoever of filet meaning anything in relation to golf, nor can I find any word from EA as to why they allowed the commentator to record his lines whilst clearly drunk or suffering from some horrible head injury. Having said that, I wonder if he was struck by one of my errant balls…

5) SWING AWAY

*THWACK*
Nope.
*THWACK*
Damn it.
*THWACK*
WHY!?
*THWACK*
IT’S GONE IN THE PIGGING SEA!!!
*THWACK*
I HIT A DUCK!
*THWACK*
YOU SHOULD HAVE MOVED, LADY!

That’s your future. Precision, preparation and hours and hours of practise. You’re going to need a laugh to keep you going, so here’s a joke for you. How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb? FOUR! Get it? Four? I’ll get my coat.

Check out Jamie’s previous Achievement Punting escapades as he puts his sanity to the test each week by clicking here.