This week saw the release of the Majestic map pack for Halo 4 and with it came a whole slew of new achievements. Deciding that life just isn’t difficult enough when you live in a cellar and are forced into hunting for achievements at gunpoint, I decided that there was only one thing to do. So, I secured the assistance of my regular cheevo chasin’ amigo @blamelessninja and had a quick look at the list of achievements:
- Callin’ in the Big Guns - Call in 3 ordnance drops during the same game - 40 points
- I Thrust at Thee – Perform a melee kill right after using Thrust Pack – 20 points
- Didn’t See It Comin’ – Assassinate an enemy who’s in zoom mode. – 10 points
- Bird of Prey – Perform 5 ‘airsassinations’. – 50 points
- Bullet Sponge – Get the ‘Close Call’ medal twice during one match. – 30 points
- I See You! – Kill 5 enemies while Promethean Vision is active. – 10 points
- Clever Girl – Kill 5 enemies while Active Camo is active. – 10 points
- Flash of Light – Get a Double Kill or higher with one Pulse Grenade. – 30 points
- Last Man Grinning – Get 4 kills using the SAW without dying. – 20 points
- Pigs Can Fly – Kill 3 enemies while they are using Jet Packs. – 30 points
I decided that I would go for “I See You!” first and see what else I could pop along the way, so I tweaked my loadout to include Promethean Vision and Pulse Grenades, added the Increased Ordnance perk and the crazed punting session was on!
Mostly I was just running about like a loon with Promethean Vision active, hoping like hell to score kills before it ran out. Then it was simply a case of getting mown down in a hail of SAW fire before respawning and trying again. Obviously, I hurled pulse grenades into every group I could find in an attempt at “Flash of Light” but to no avail.
I managed to pop the Promethean achievement in this one game, jumped to the menu, hurriedly replaced Promethean Vision with Active Camo to go for the brilliantly named “Clever Girl” and rushed out of the menu just in time to see a member of the opposing team rapidly crouching over my lifeless carcass. If there was a “Use last traces of life force to bite balls” button in Halo, I would have used it. Still, active camo was ready to go!
The game ended.
Airsassinations – 0
Saw kills – 0
Jet Pack kills – 0
Ordnance Drops – 2 out of 3
Game begins. Game ends. Go home servers, you’re drunk.
I won’t bother with the airsassination count and whatnot.
Pro tip, folks. Don’t sneak around in active camo and try for kills when working on this achievement, because it will run out one miserable second before you put the fatal round into the opponent and you will cry until you run out of tears and have to be rushed to hospital and pumped full of fluids due to extreme dehydration. True story. My advice, dive from gunfight to gunfight like Rambo on a Red Bull binge, activating Active Camo when you’re mid-battle.
Asides from one beautiful moment which saw me crouched in camo to regain my shield as an enemy tried to sit on me and got a snapped spine for his troubles, every one of my Active Camo kills was the result of an “CHAAAARGEDEATHORGLORYEATALLTHEBULLETSBYLUCIFERSBEARDIAMLUCKYTOBEALIVE” style attack. Probably because I’m not used to hiding like a scared baby. Suck it, campers.
Airsassinations – 0
Saw kills – 0
Jet pack kills – 0
Ordnance Drops – You don’t get them in Regicide.
Having once again changed my layout to go for “I Thrust At Thee”, I lucked out and found a sword in the opening moments of the game, burst forward like Sonic being shot from a cannon and smashed some poor sods face clean out through the back of his head. That’s three achievements down. Given all of the buggers zooming about on jet packs, I now set my sights on “Pigs Can Fly”. That went like this…
“Ah ha, there’s one!” *BLAM* Sniper round through the side of the head, mid flight. “ANOTHER!” *WHOOMPH* Rocket into the wall next to him, insta-death
“Now…hmm.” NOT ANOTHER SODDING JETPACKER FOR THE ENTIRE GAME!
Not to mention the fact that during my airborne arsehole hunt I had one close call medal but then saw no-one for the rest of the match. With a sigh, I moved on.
Airsassinations – 0. Of course.
Saw kills – You must be joking.
Jet pack kills – 2
Ordnance Drops – Not in Regicide. Sigh.
Map: Not a clue
Gametype: I don’t recall
By this point my second can of Red Bull was kicking in and everything passed in kind of a blur. I took some notes…
Close call! Wasn’t it just.
Got some kills.
Ordnance! IT’S A SAW!
CLOSE CALL WITH A SAW ON A JETPACKER SUCK IT SUCK IT SUCK IT
Two close calls. So that’s…YEAH! BLOOP!
So that’s one saw kill and my third jetpacker.
No jetpack bloop? Dicked?
Second saw kill.
THIRD SAW KILL!
FOUR…nope, shot in the face.
Sounds like one hell of a game. Wish I could remember it.
Airsassinations – Starting to think they’re just a myth
Saw kills – 3
Massive gaping wounds where face should be – 1
Ordnance drops – 2 out of 3. Again. GRAAARRGGHH!
Map: Does it matter?
Gametype: See above
Within seconds of this game starting, I was vaporised in a rain of rockets and plasma grenades. Having respawned I spied two of my killers with shields crackling. Looping in a pulse grenade, I punched the air in triumph as they…completely failed to die. Screaming with despair I punched one of them hard enough to rupture the space time continuum and shot his friend through the head. Double kill, but not the one I needed.
Enraged, I spun around just in time to secure the triple by entering an entire clip of AR ammo into a jetpacker. That’s four jet pack kills with no bloop. Now consumed by a hatred of the world and all things within it, I found myself lost in the red mist and jumping from crate to crate, met a second jetpacker in mid-air, caught him out of the air and smashed him into a truck. Taking some deep breaths, I calmed down just as the game ended.
Airsassinations – 1! HA! You will not best me, achievement!
Saw kills – What the hell is a SAW?
Jet pack kills – 2. Which sets the grand total at 5.
Controllers smashed to pieces with leg ripped from coffee table – 1
Ordnance drops – 1
Gametype: I don’t care
The very first thing I did in this game shoot a jetpacker out of the sky and FINALLY the damn cheevo popped. Scoring a couple more kills, I earned an ordnance drop. No sign of a SAW, of course. I flung pulse grenades around like a monkey chucking faeces, scoring several kills but no sign of a double.
My second ordnance drop arrived and once again was entirely SAW-less. After gunning down another wave of would be assassins, my third ordnance drop was queued up. A SAW! Just as I went to call it in, the game ended. I stifled a scream as Blameless Ninja happily celebrated his ordnance drop achievement, while making a mental note to have him killed.
Airsassinations – Not bloody likely
Saw kills – Shut up, that’s how many
Jet pack kills – I don’t care, it’s done. Let us never speak of it again
Ordnance Drops – 2. Ok? 2. Sodding 2. 2. 2!
Seeing the icon for a beam rifle drop disappear, I knew some blighter was sniping. I made my way across that entire level on my hands and knees. I circled around firefights. I assassinated any who crossed my path before slinking back into the shadows. I came up from behind the sniper and…BAM! I got shot in the face.
The only thing that kept me from weeping unashamedly was my ordnance drop which contained that rarest of treasures, a SAW. I cradled it lovingly in my arms as the Red Team descended upon me and brutally murdered me. I sighed.
Once again, I made my way across the level to take out the sniper but this time made it about three steps before being killed with my own damn SAW. Respawning, I decided against a third attempt at sneaking and opened fire on anything that moved. A second ordnance drop arrived, again replete with SAW brand goodness. Three kills in, I was shot by the sniper I’d yet to kill. I booked an appointment with a counsellor for Friday and carried on.
Respawning, I decided that the time was now. Bravely ignoring Ninja’s cries for assistance as he tried to fend off three foes with naught but a faulty plasma pistol, I hid, slunk, snuck and scurried across the level like a murderous squirrel. I realised that I had clearly lost it at the moment I concocted the phrase, “like a murderous squirrel”, but that didn’t alter the fact that I was once more behind the sniper. Grab. Snap. Bloop. YEAH!
Airsassinations – I don’t know what those are…
Saw kills – 3. *sob*
Ordnance drops – 2. Of course.
Map: Shows the location of things
Gametype: I’unno. YOU’RE a gametype.
This game proved three things.
1) The pulse grenade does nothing. With Tactical Package set to “Grenadier” and Support Upgrade to “Explosives” you’ve got a little more hope. But that’s like saying having one bone in your body that’s not broken gives you slightly more chance of climbing Everest.
2) No-one jumps or jetpacks in front of me anymore. Airsassinations are ridiculously hard to come by.
3) The SAW is harder to track down than Princess poxy Peach. When you DO get hold of one, it apparently sends out a signal to all enemies in the vicinity so they can assemble and group bugger you to death. Not literally, of course, unless there are some horrific assassination animations that I’ve yet to unlock…
Airsass…ah forget it
Map: Mate of Dora’s. Made of paper.
The lag during this game was so horrendous that I feared I would travel in time. Perhaps I was working on achievements from Halo Reach. In an uncharacteristic move, I was forced to quit out. In a move ENTIRELY in keeping with my character, I kicked the coffee table through the window. It struck a passer by. I closed the curtains.
At this point Blameless Ninja and I moved to free-for-all games. We. Do. Not. Boost. Just putting that out there. But, we did figure that some of the achievements we were attempting would be best attempted in an all-against-all arena. From this point on, I’ll pretty much relay my notes verbatim…
ORDNANCE! SAW! DEAD! DAMN IT!
ORDNANCE! SAW! ONE KILL! DEAD! DAMN IT!
WHY WON’T THE PULSE GRENADE WORK!?!
ORDNANCE! BLOOP! HOO-AH! SAW! YES! GAME OVER! I HATE HALO!
Airsassinations – I don’t know? A million.
Saw kills – Owned.
Murder murder murder ordnance saw murder murder murder so close assassinated hate everything must destroy world ooh an airsassination that’s two then game over argh.
Ordnance drop. A SAW! I have four kills! Wait…where’s the bloop? OH SOD IT ALL FROM BEHIND WITH A COMBINE HARVEST-oh there it is.
Pulse grenades suck. I have some airsassinations, I think, but not enough. It’s never enough. Why have you forsaken me, gods of gaming? I can’t feel my thumbs.
That’s all I have. The rest of my notes were ruined by tears. After two and a half hours of solid Halo 4 Majestic map pack action, I popped all but “Bird Of Prey” and “Flash Of Light”, while my ninjamigo had just “Bird Of Prey” and “Last Man Grinning” to complete. Thanks, ninj’. Couldn’t have done it without your emotional support – not to mention all the kills I stole from you.
Check out Jamie’s previous Achievement Punting escapades as he puts his sanity to the test each week by clicking here.