This weeks Achievement Punter will be slightly different for two very important reasons. One, I had no idea what to write about at first, as I’ve not done any real gaming for weeks; and two, I am suffering from that most horrible of conditions, Gamer’s Block. You know, that weird affliction that strikes when you’ve been forced away from gaming for a while and struggle to return to it? If you’ve not had it, you will some day, and trust me when I say it sucks all the balls.

So, this week I shall guide you through a short series of real life achievements. Milestones on my road to recovery from the dreaded GB. Step one being…

1) Figuring Out What My Xbox 360 Is SUPPOSED To Be For

DVD’s. Netflix. Lovefilm. Last.fm. Crackle. OK, not Crackle, but the rest of these are wonderful features of the Xbox 360 and buggardly distractions from the console’s true purpose – blowing shit up in a variety of interesting ways or sometimes being an elf.

I’ve listened to an awful lot of music, none of which was by the artist of my choosing (thanks Last.FM), seen Cockneys Vs Zombies twice, and worked my way through my entire DVD collection of por…nature documentaries. But finally, I blew the thick layer of dust away from my gaming shelves, selected a title and popped in the disk.

Made The Choice – Picked Up A Game After Weeks Of Procrasturbation – 10g

2) How The Hell Do You Fly This Thing?

Settling into my favourite spot on the couch, a cold glass of non-specific caffeinated beverage to my left, a large bag of strange orange things which pretend to have some relation to cheese on my right. I was back. I opened up with a little Halo 4 with every intention of a dabble at the new map pack achievements.

After two or three matches, my overall kill count stood at two, deaths at the twenty mark, my blood pressure at danger levels and rage at the point where everything starts to go red and misty. Before I blacked out and embarked on a killing spree that would make the entire Saw series look like the happiest Care Bears episode ever inflicted on children of the 80s, I took a few deep breaths and hardened my resolve. I’d been away a while and it would take some time to settle back into my groove.

After three more terrible games, things got a little fuzzy but I’m pretty sure that somewhere in there I set fire to the coffee table.

HULK SMASH! – Achieved A Rage Level Of 100 And Totally Messed Up Your Furniture – 20g

3) Slap On The Training Wheels

It was obvious that I’d been away too long and lost some of that instinctive gaming prowess which I’d spent so long nurturing. So, I decided to step it down a notch and jump back into the Gears Of War Judgment campaign. Sure, it’s on the hardest difficulty and the Declassified missions make it just that teensy bit harder, but the difference is that I’m playing this with three mates backing me up and AI enemies don’t generally teabag you and scream obscenities at you. Not as much, anyway.

This is what it’s all about, I yelled with joy, emptying round after round into…my teammates back. I muttered an apology and turned my fire on the filthy…teammate to my left. Ok, clearly I was in the “firing at ghosts” stage of over-excitement and needed to calm down a little. Through the dust and haze I spotted a clear target. All three of my COG brethren were with me so I knew I had the enemy bang to rights. I quietly snuck up on him, then out of the murk I sprang, Lancer revving. Go me, I had just executed a lamppost.

Lights Out – Dealt With The Deadly Illuminator And His Rays Of Terror – 5g

4) Poor, Poor Baby

Somewhat shaken my the level of deterioration in my gaming skill, I went back to a faithful friend that would not steer me wrong. Minecraft. Over the next few days, my gaming time was spent slowly but surely building a sprawling complex, including a fully functioning lighthouse, an all-encompassing security wall and some frankly beautiful gardens. Others joined my lands, building houses, skyscrapers, floating cities, weird exploding men in caves (don’t ask).

Standing back to admire what I had created, I noticed something. A slight discrepancy. Counting it up carefully, the horrible truth became clear. I had built my entire gatehouse one block too far to the left. I had to realign miles of wall, three guard towers and a metric shit-tonne of pathways but finally, it was done. I had made a mistake, but I had corrected it. In fact, I had corrected it too much and in my blind rush to complete the job had shunted everything two blocks to the right.

Lovingly, I set to work once more. Laying out guidelines in coloured wool, checking my counts, digging out key points, replacing blocks. Replacing them all with TNT. That’s right folks, I blew the ever-loving crap out of that map and walked away.

Waaaambulance – Pitched A World Class Hissy Fit – 5g

5) EUREKA!

Sobbing over the remains of my once glorious blocky world, I asked myself “was this it?” Was this the moment I pulled away from gaming, a broken ruin of the man I once was? Would I no longer be mowing down fields of Covenant troops? No longer hunting bandits through forests with a bow and a climbing axe? No more hurling my gooey self against spikes in a bid to solve…oh my God gaming is freaking awesome!

Epic Epiphany - Realised You Should Shut Up Bitching And Get Your Halo On – 100g

Straight after this I dived back into Halo and mopped up the last couple of Castle map pack achievements that had been eluding me. The moral of the story is, sometimes you’re crap. Keep trying, you might be less crap tomorrow.

Check out Jamie’s previous Achievement Punting escapades as he puts his sanity to the test each week by clicking here.

Achievement Punter: Battle Of The Gamer Block StickTwiddlers

As I search desperately for a distraction from sprouting hairs and dropping balls, a young upstart games protagonist enters the scene. This is Lara Croft in all her slightly cuboid glory and she and I will soon be spending a lot of time together, mostly shooting dinosaurs and falling off of stuff.

The year is now 2013. I no longer care just who the hell is at number one, Charles has married a woman named Camilla who looks quite a bit like the Cryptkeeper and my love affair with Miss Croft has long since grown comfortable and a little dull, much like the series of games in which she stars. That is, until the reboot comes along and blinds me with the power of sheer awesomeness.

Yes, I absolutely love the new Tomb Raider title and have spent many a happy hour wandering the jungle, merrily driving my axe into unsuspecting soldiers heads or screwing up the day of some deer with a series of well placed arrows. But it’s not all been fun and games, because of one tiny problem. The Intellectually Superior achievement, which asks that you complete all optional tombs.

If you’re not sure what the hell I’m talking about, I’ll try to explain without giving too much away. As you progress through Tomb Raider, you will find tombs. They are optional. That about covers it.

Now, as you raid these tombs, you’ll… HEY! Raiding tombs! I just got that! Clever. Anyhoo, as you raid these optional tombs, you’ll have to complete a puzzle element. This is where Miss Croft and I tend to fall out because, you see, we have a long held understanding. I will attempt to guide Lara through the necessary leaps and bounds to complete her games and she, for her part, will be sure to plummet headlong into every gaping chasm and fiery pit that she can find, just to piss me off.

It’s all in the timing. Figuring out what to do in these puzzle sections is easy, getting Lara to go along with the idea is where I struggle.

Take, for example, the Hall of Ascension tomb. It’s a simple enough puzzle to solve, all you need to do is [Y'ERE BE SPOILERS! AWOOGAH! AWOOGAH] close the shutters on the window to block the ridiculous, gale force winds, then raise the platform. Next, jump aboard the platform just before the shutters spring open, so that you are propelled towards the wall. Then it’s a quick jump, jump again and shimmy along the ledge to victory. Huzzah!

I figured that out after one look at the puzzle. I spent the next hour trying to persuade Lara that my plan was the right one…

Attempt 1:

ME: “Lara, it’s simple really. Close shutter, raise platform, jump to platform, jump to wall, jump up wall, across ledge, done.”

LARA: “Or, hear me out, I could jump too early, send the platform crashing to the ground and stare fixedly at the wall ahead for three minutes completely befuddled by what just occurred”

ME: “Um, yeah. You COULD do that. Or you could do it right?”

LARA: “Going to have to go with leap, crash, befuddled”

Attempt 2:

ME: “OK. Well that didn’t work so how about my original plan?”

LARA: “WEEEEEEEEEE!”

ME: “So, you’re just going to hang from the platform there?”

LARA: “WEEEEEEEEEE!”

Attempt 3:

ME: “Plan A, maybe?”

LARA: “Is that the one where I raise the platform halfway before your finger slips off of the button and screws it up?”

ME: “Damn it woman, that only happened once and you said we’d never speak of it again!”

LARA: “Sorry. What was Plan A?”

ME: “Close shutter, raise platform, jum-”

LARA: “Right, right. I got it. Close shutter, raise platform, jump on platform, stand there for a second, wind moves platform forwards slightly but not enough, you cry
for an hour and punch the couch cushions”

ME: *crying and punching couch cushions*

Attempt 4:

ME: “Damn it Lara, I laid it all out for you now can we PLEASE do it my way?!”

LARA: “Fine. Jeez, you don’t need to get huffy about it. So, close shutters?”

ME: “Yes.”

LARA: “Raising the platform…”

ME: “That’s it.”

LARA: “Wait a second…”

ME: “You’ve got it now!”

LARA: “Wait a second…”

ME: “NOW! JUMP NOW!”

LARA: “Wait a second…”

ME: “Oh for the love of…”

LARA: “Wait a second…”

After twenty three attempts, three broken controllers, one broken couch and a blazing row with my wife, I decided to take a little break. I took some time out to breathe, gather my thoughts and buy my wife flowers and chocolate. Then I sat back down with my brand new controller and prepared myself.

At this moment, my darling wife wandered over to see what all of the fuss was about and in doing so invoked the curse of the gaming gods with which you are all no doubt familiar. Attempt one section of a game for hours and fail miserably but return to the game after a break and TRY TO SHOW SOMEONE WHY IT’S SO DAMNED HARD? Do it first time.

So there’s my advice to you, folks. If you want to nail this puzzling achievement, make sure someone is watching over your shoulder and saying things like “Looks easy. Noob. I’d have done that in minutes”. It’s really helpful and doesn’t make you want to kill yourself. Honest.

Check out Jamie’s previous Achievement Punting escapades as he puts his sanity to the test each week by clicking here.

Achievement Punter: Curse You, Croft! I Am “Intellectually Superior” StickTwiddlers

In amongst my bargain buys was Resident Evil: Operation Racoon City. I have just one question to ask of my reviewing brethren, why do you bitch? This is a solid title which is great fun to play with friends. Solo, maybe not so much and the competitive multiplayer can be frustrating, but it didn’t deserve the slating it took from the critics. Still, I’m here to punt, not review, so I opted for Outbreak Survivalist, the achievement for game completion on veteran difficulty.

I will point out right now that this is NOT the hardest setting, but I decided a run on Veteran before attempting Professional might be a sensible option. As it turns out, Veteran really isn’t that tricky. Sure, there were one or two choke points but all in all this was a breeze. Until Leon. Yup, ol’ blondey bonce himself.

You see, there will come a time during the final level where you’ll find yourself facing off against hordes of zombies, mostly crimson heads, plus an entire sodding battalion of spec ops, all while Leon watches from above and takes pot shots at you with a sniper rifle. Good freakin’ times.

The aim is to cause a “blood frenzy”, basically shoot the Spec Ops, make them bleed and then in their frenzied rush to get at the finger lickin’ goodness the zombies will crash through the barriers surrounding the soldiers. Then all you have to do is dash through to the ladder, whilst being bitten, clawed, kicked, punched, shot and stabbed. Oh, lest we forget, Leon will be happily plowing rounds into you as you do this. It’s an utter git to get through, but I do have a few hints which might help.

1) You’ll get by with a little help from your friends

Buddy system, for the win! Seriously, this game ten times more fun when you go through with a friend. I was once more gaming alongside my stalwart companion and hetero life-mate, Blameless Ninja. It’s fantastic to have someone out there to revive you, watch your back and laugh like a loon as sixteen crimson heads pop out from beneath a train and rip off the entire back half of your body.

2) Make ‘em bleed

You need to get the claret flowing from the Spec Ops and fast. To this end, might I recommend the Handgun HP. It’s accurate, it’s relatively fast and it has a full blood frenzy stat bar. Of course, the gun is only as good as the person firing it so if you couldn’t hit a barn door with a banjo, opt for a machine gun and let the lead fly.

3) It Aint Easy Finding Green

Herbs. Herbs. Herbs. You are REALLY going to need the health on this one. One way to ensure a stock is to take out zombies with CQC kills where possible as we noticed they are far more likely to drop items if you do. Besides, there are few things quite so satisfying as stomping a zombie’s face to mush.

There’s not a whole hell of a lot to say other than don’t get dead. Of course, once you’ve made it through this nightmarish orgy of ravenous undead and bloodthirsty government troops, there’s Professional looming on the horizon. I’d offer some tips for THAT, but I’m too scared to go in there. So instead, may I present a list of things I’d rather do than attempt professional anytime soon…

• French kiss a Licker
• Spend an hour in the company of Justin Bieber
• Poke angry dogs whilst wearing a steak flavoured posing pouch
• Play Too Human
• Eat my own face
• Bathe in my own sweat
• Bathe in YOUR sweat
• Play Too Human again

That last one may have been a bit much. Anyhoo, Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City is a good game, great to play with friends and has some cheevos which are well worth a punt. Give it a go. Just don’t try Professional, because it is certain to make you cry.

Check out Jamie’s previous Achievement Punting escapades as he puts his sanity to the test each week by clicking here.

Achievement Punter: Resident Evil Operation Raccoon City StickTwiddlers

• Callin’ in the Big Guns - Call in 3 ordnance drops during the same game - 40 points
• I Thrust at Thee – Perform a melee kill right after using Thrust Pack – 20 points
• Didn’t See It Comin’ – Assassinate an enemy who’s in zoom mode. – 10 points
• Bird of Prey – Perform 5 ‘airsassinations’. – 50 points
• Bullet Sponge – Get the ‘Close Call’ medal twice during one match. – 30 points
• I See You! – Kill 5 enemies while Promethean Vision is active. – 10 points
• Clever Girl – Kill 5 enemies while Active Camo is active. – 10 points
• Flash of Light – Get a Double Kill or higher with one Pulse Grenade. – 30 points
• Last Man Grinning – Get 4 kills using the SAW without dying. – 20 points
• Pigs Can Fly – Kill 3 enemies while they are using Jet Packs. – 30 points

I decided that I would go for “I See You!” first and see what else I could pop along the way, so I tweaked my loadout to include Promethean Vision and Pulse Grenades, added the Increased Ordnance perk and the crazed punting session was on!

GAME 1

Map: Landfall
Gametype: Slayer

Mostly I was just running about like a loon with Promethean Vision active, hoping like hell to score kills before it ran out. Then it was simply a case of getting mown down in a hail of SAW fire before respawning and trying again. Obviously, I hurled pulse grenades into every group I could find in an attempt at “Flash of Light” but to no avail.

I managed to pop the Promethean achievement in this one game, jumped to the menu, hurriedly replaced Promethean Vision with Active Camo to go for the brilliantly named “Clever Girl” and rushed out of the menu just in time to see a member of the opposing team rapidly crouching over my lifeless carcass. If there was a “Use last traces of life force to bite balls” button in Halo, I would have used it. Still, active camo was ready to go!

The game ended.

Airsassinations – 0
Saw kills – 0
Jet Pack kills – 0
Ordnance Drops – 2 out of 3

GAME 2

Map: Skyline
Gametype: Slayer

Game begins. Game ends. Go home servers, you’re drunk.

I won’t bother with the airsassination count and whatnot.

GAME 3

Map: Monolith
Gametype: Regicide

Pro tip, folks. Don’t sneak around in active camo and try for kills when working on this achievement, because it will run out one miserable second before you put the fatal round into the opponent and you will cry until you run out of tears and have to be rushed to hospital and pumped full of fluids due to extreme dehydration. True story. My advice, dive from gunfight to gunfight like Rambo on a Red Bull binge, activating Active Camo when you’re mid-battle.

Asides from one beautiful moment which saw me crouched in camo to regain my shield as an enemy tried to sit on me and got a snapped spine for his troubles, every one of my Active Camo kills was the result of an “CHAAAARGEDEATHORGLORYEATALLTHEBULLETSBYLUCIFERSBEARDIAMLUCKYTOBEALIVE” style attack. Probably because I’m not used to hiding like a scared baby. Suck it, campers.

Airsassinations – 0
Saw kills – 0
Jet pack kills – 0
Ordnance Drops – You don’t get them in Regicide.

GAME 4

Map: Monolith
Gametype: Regicide

Having once again changed my layout to go for “I Thrust At Thee”, I lucked out and found a sword in the opening moments of the game, burst forward like Sonic being shot from a cannon and smashed some poor sods face clean out through the back of his head. That’s three achievements down. Given all of the buggers zooming about on jet packs, I now set my sights on “Pigs Can Fly”. That went like this…

“Ah ha, there’s one!” *BLAM* Sniper round through the side of the head, mid flight. “ANOTHER!” *WHOOMPH* Rocket into the wall next to him, insta-death
“Now…hmm.” NOT ANOTHER SODDING JETPACKER FOR THE ENTIRE GAME!

Not to mention the fact that during my airborne arsehole hunt I had one close call medal but then saw no-one for the rest of the match. With a sigh, I moved on.

Airsassinations – 0. Of course.
Saw kills – You must be joking.
Jet pack kills – 2
Ordnance Drops – Not in Regicide. Sigh.

GAME 5

Map: Not a clue
Gametype: I don’t recall

By this point my second can of Red Bull was kicking in and everything passed in kind of a blur. I took some notes…

Close call! Wasn’t it just.
Got some kills.
Ordnance! IT’S A SAW!
CLOSE CALL WITH A SAW ON A JETPACKER SUCK IT SUCK IT SUCK IT
Two close calls. So that’s…YEAH! BLOOP!
So that’s one saw kill and my third jetpacker.
No jetpack bloop? Dicked?
Second saw kill.
THIRD SAW KILL!
FOUR…nope, shot in the face.

Sounds like one hell of a game. Wish I could remember it.

Airsassinations – Starting to think they’re just a myth
Saw kills – 3
Massive gaping wounds where face should be – 1
Ordnance drops – 2 out of 3. Again. GRAAARRGGHH!

GAME 6

Map: Does it matter?
Gametype: See above

Within seconds of this game starting, I was vaporised in a rain of rockets and plasma grenades. Having respawned I spied two of my killers with shields crackling. Looping in a pulse grenade, I punched the air in triumph as they…completely failed to die. Screaming with despair I punched one of them hard enough to rupture the space time continuum and shot his friend through the head. Double kill, but not the one I needed.

Enraged, I spun around just in time to secure the triple by entering an entire clip of AR ammo into a jetpacker. That’s four jet pack kills with no bloop. Now consumed by a hatred of the world and all things within it, I found myself lost in the red mist and jumping from crate to crate, met a second jetpacker in mid-air, caught him out of the air and smashed him into a truck. Taking some deep breaths, I calmed down just as the game ended.

Airsassinations – 1! HA! You will not best me, achievement!
Saw kills – What the hell is a SAW?
Jet pack kills – 2. Which sets the grand total at 5.
Controllers smashed to pieces with leg ripped from coffee table – 1
Ordnance drops – 1

GAME 7

Map: *shrug*
Gametype: I don’t care

The very first thing I did in this game shoot a jetpacker out of the sky and FINALLY the damn cheevo popped. Scoring a couple more kills, I earned an ordnance drop. No sign of a SAW, of course. I flung pulse grenades around like a monkey chucking faeces, scoring several kills but no sign of a double.

My second ordnance drop arrived and once again was entirely SAW-less. After gunning down another wave of would be assassins, my third ordnance drop was queued up. A SAW! Just as I went to call it in, the game ended. I stifled a scream as Blameless Ninja happily celebrated his ordnance drop achievement, while making a mental note to have him killed.

Airsassinations – Not bloody likely
Saw kills – Shut up, that’s how many
Jet pack kills – I don’t care, it’s done. Let us never speak of it again
Ordnance Drops – 2. Ok? 2. Sodding 2. 2. 2!

GAME 8

Map: Pfft
Gametype: Bum

Seeing the icon for a beam rifle drop disappear, I knew some blighter was sniping. I made my way across that entire level on my hands and knees. I circled around firefights. I assassinated any who crossed my path before slinking back into the shadows. I came up from behind the sniper and…BAM! I got shot in the face.

The only thing that kept me from weeping unashamedly was my ordnance drop which contained that rarest of treasures, a SAW. I cradled it lovingly in my arms as the Red Team descended upon me and brutally murdered me. I sighed.

Once again, I made my way across the level to take out the sniper but this time made it about three steps before being killed with my own damn SAW. Respawning, I decided against a third attempt at sneaking and opened fire on anything that moved. A second ordnance drop arrived, again replete with SAW brand goodness. Three kills in, I was shot by the sniper I’d yet to kill. I booked an appointment with a counsellor for Friday and carried on.

Respawning, I decided that the time was now. Bravely ignoring Ninja’s cries for assistance as he tried to fend off three foes with naught but a faulty plasma pistol, I hid, slunk, snuck and scurried across the level like a murderous squirrel. I realised that I had clearly lost it at the moment I concocted the phrase, “like a murderous squirrel”, but that didn’t alter the fact that I was once more behind the sniper. Grab. Snap. Bloop. YEAH!

Airsassinations – I don’t know what those are…
Saw kills – 3. *sob*
Ordnance drops – 2. Of course.

GAME 9

Map: Shows the location of things
Gametype: I’unno. YOU’RE a gametype.

This game proved three things.

1) The pulse grenade does nothing. With Tactical Package set to “Grenadier” and Support Upgrade to “Explosives” you’ve got a little more hope. But that’s like saying having one bone in your body that’s not broken gives you slightly more chance of climbing Everest.

2) No-one jumps or jetpacks in front of me anymore. Airsassinations are ridiculously hard to come by.

3) The SAW is harder to track down than Princess poxy Peach. When you DO get hold of one, it apparently sends out a signal to all enemies in the vicinity so they can assemble and group bugger you to death. Not literally, of course, unless there are some horrific assassination animations that I’ve yet to unlock…

Airsass…ah forget it

GAME 10

Map: Mate of Dora’s. Made of paper.
Gametype: Cluedo

The lag during this game was so horrendous that I feared I would travel in time. Perhaps I was working on achievements from Halo Reach. In an uncharacteristic move, I was forced to quit out. In a move ENTIRELY in keeping with my character, I kicked the coffee table through the window. It struck a passer by. I closed the curtains.

At this point Blameless Ninja and I moved to free-for-all games. We. Do. Not. Boost. Just putting that out there. But, we did figure that some of the achievements we were attempting would be best attempted in an all-against-all arena. From this point on, I’ll pretty much relay my notes verbatim…

GAME 11

ORDNANCE! SAW! DEAD! DAMN IT!
ORDNANCE! SAW! ONE KILL! DEAD! DAMN IT!
WHY WON’T THE PULSE GRENADE WORK!?!
ORDNANCE! BLOOP! HOO-AH! SAW! YES! GAME OVER! I HATE HALO!

Airsassinations – I don’t know? A million.
Saw kills – Owned.

GAME 15

Murder murder murder ordnance saw murder murder murder so close assassinated hate everything must destroy world ooh an airsassination that’s two then game over argh.

GAME SOMETHINGOROTHER

Ordnance drop. A SAW! I have four kills! Wait…where’s the bloop? OH SOD IT ALL FROM BEHIND WITH A COMBINE HARVEST-oh there it is.

GAME…A NUMBER

Pulse grenades suck. I have some airsassinations, I think, but not enough. It’s never enough. Why have you forsaken me, gods of gaming? I can’t feel my thumbs.

That’s all I have. The rest of my notes were ruined by tears. After two and a half hours of solid Halo 4 Majestic map pack action, I popped all but “Bird Of Prey” and “Flash Of Light”, while my ninjamigo had just “Bird Of Prey” and “Last Man Grinning” to complete. Thanks, ninj’. Couldn’t have done it without your emotional support – not to mention all the kills I stole from you.

Check out Jamie’s previous Achievement Punting escapades as he puts his sanity to the test each week by clicking here.

Achievement Punter: Halo 4 Majestic Map Pack StickTwiddlers

SSX has been sat in my pile of shame for some time, figuratively speaking. After dabbling with a friends copy, I’ve not gone back to it until now, because I’m clearly some kind of moron. So, after the recent On Demand drop in price to £8.99, I snapped it up faster than you can say “I’M FALLING DOWN A MOUNTAIN AND I’M GOING TO DIE!”.

I had tremendous fun getting back into the world of digital snowboarding, hurtling down the runs faster than Mario headed for an all-you-can-eat Italian buffet. Until I progressed a little further into the game and remembered the horror of the Deadly Descents.

As I mentioned, for the Ice To See You achievement, one must attempt the Ice descent in Siberia without the help of ice axes. Those are the things which you use to actually maintain some small amount of grip on the ice and without which you have all the cornering skill and grace of a herd of stampeding wildebeest.

So, needless to say, this achievement is somewhere between 7 and “oh you utter tosser” on the Tricky-o-meter. I spent most of my time on this plunging into the abyssal depths between sections of track, but I did devise a few helpful tips and tricks which might…MIGHT…see you through.

1) EHRMAGERD! SNER!

Learn to love snow. There IS snow on this deadly descent, albeit precious little, so when you find a patch try and guide your board to it in order to gain that most precious of gifts, traction. In certain sections you can carve the mountainside quite handily too and in a baffling display of disregard for the laws of nature, sheer, smooth rock has a lot more grip to it than ice.

2) WENDY, I CAN DIE!

You can’t use ice axes, but that’s not to stop you taking advantage of another gear item, the wingsuit. There were a couple of sections of this descent where I was able to take a jump, unfurl my squirrel-esque wings and hover over a short section of the map.

While FAR from perfect, as plans go it doesn’t suck. Just be careful not to glide too far and land yourself in a position where you’ve no hope of making a turn. Not that I did that. HA! No sir. *sigh*

3) LATHER. RINSE. REPEAT.

This seems to be a tip I apply to many of these achievements, but it always holds true. Practise makes perfe…acceptab…ok. Ish. The more you attempt this run, the better your knowledge of the layout will be.

Knowing the lay of the land for this cheevo is hugely helpful, as it will allow you to anticipate tricky turns and dangerous jumps. The downside is the frustration that inevitably follows as you play out “Groundhog Day II – Bored Of Boarding”, but hang in there slugger.

That’s about it, sadly. There’s only so much I can tell you for this one, as it ultimately comes down to a spot of luck and not sucking like a baby with a bottle. I’d keep my fingers crossed for you, but I broke them when I fell down the mountain. Good luck, punters.

Check out Jamie’s previous Achievement Punting escapades as he puts his sanity to the test each week by clicking here.

Achievement Punter: Ice To See You Ice-Capades In SSX StickTwiddlers

The Tiger Woods title in question is actually a dusty and much abused copy of ’09 and it’s not that I don’t like the game, it’s just that I’m horribly and embarrassingly bad at it. A brain damaged chimp with broken arms could play better than me. So with that in mind, imagine my arse-puckering horror as I return to the game from time to time, only to be presented with the achievement titled Ace In The Hole.

That’s right folks, while I’m swinging wildly at the grass like the worlds least efficient lawnmower, good ol’ Tiger expects me to score a hole in one. Not. Bloody. Likely.

Nearly two years of titting about with Tiger have led me to the inevitable conclusion that I simply cannot nail this cheevo by anything other than continued playtime and buckets o’ luck. So if, like me, you spend more time in the rough than Mario does in the wrong castles, why not follow these few simple tips to at least tip the odds in your favour a little.

1) WHERE’S THE BLASTED HOLE!?

Repeat after me. “I can’t hit a hole in one on a par five”. No matter how epic you may think you are, the chances of you knocking in an ace on a par five are roughly the same as Bowser’s chances of finally hitting second base with Peach, slim to none. So pick yourself a nice little par 3, the 12th hole at Pebble Beach is often recommended, make a custom 18 hole course with this hole playing the part of every other hole et voila. That gives you 18 shots at the thing before starting a new game.

2) TIGERCHU! I CHOOSE YOU!

Hey, bet you’re thinking that one of the pro golfer characters would help, right? What with their high stats and all, huh? Wrong. This achievement only pops if you’re using a created golfer, so strap on some plus fours and get out there. You might want to play a bit of the game first, tune your clubs, maybe buy some gear with stat bonuses. It might help and it sure as hell can’t hurt.

3) IT FEELS LIKE A VERY BLUSTERY DAY, TODAY

Always remember to adjust for wind! This doesn’t mean loosening your belt and popping a Rennie, obviously. I’m talking about checking wind direction and speed before you swing and attempting to adjust appropriately.

I highly recommend playing a full 18 rounds of the Pebble Beach 12th hole, balls flying here, there and everywhere (stop snickering) thanks to gusts, breezes and the occasional passing hurricane. Then, I suggest screaming and possibly crying a little as you set up the next 18 and notice the option to change wind strength. Calm Wind is your friend, use it well.

4) MUTE IT!

I just had to mention this. Playing the game with the volume muted might not help with the achievement but it will help you get out with your sanity relatively intact. What’s so bad with the soundtrack? “Oh, just a nice little filet here”, “Just a nice little filet”, “Well, he’s got a nice little filet here…”. THE COMMENTATOR IS SPEAKING IN TONGUES!

I have no earthly idea what it means, in golf terms, to be presented with a ” nice little filet”. If I were visiting a restaurant, i’d be thrilled at the prospect of a nice filet. When i’m ankle deep in sand and thrashing away at the ball like a defective weed whacker, I couldn’t give a monkey’s left plum!

I’ve Googled this drivel and can find no record whatsoever of filet meaning anything in relation to golf, nor can I find any word from EA as to why they allowed the commentator to record his lines whilst clearly drunk or suffering from some horrible head injury. Having said that, I wonder if he was struck by one of my errant balls…

5) SWING AWAY

*THWACK*
Nope.
*THWACK*
Damn it.
*THWACK*
WHY!?
*THWACK*
IT’S GONE IN THE PIGGING SEA!!!
*THWACK*
I HIT A DUCK!
*THWACK*
YOU SHOULD HAVE MOVED, LADY!

That’s your future. Precision, preparation and hours and hours of practise. You’re going to need a laugh to keep you going, so here’s a joke for you. How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb? FOUR! Get it? Four? I’ll get my coat.

Check out Jamie’s previous Achievement Punting escapades as he puts his sanity to the test each week by clicking here.

Achievement Punter: Tiger Woods Is An Ace-Hole StickTwiddlers

During my first encounter with this wonderful piece of gaming, I managed to pull 46 out of the 50 achievements available. I found the hidden portrait for Portrait Of A Lady quite easily, I located the Final Transmission in one of Rat Man’s scuzzy wee bolt holes and I even managed Iron Grip with a little help from my gaming amigos. So what diabolical achievement has me stymied? Friends List With Benefits.

If you know what that achievement is all about, I’ll give you a few minutes to stop laughing and catch your breath. For those who don’t, I’ll explain it and then give YOU a moment or two. Friends List With Benefits asks that you hug three separate people from your friends list in co-op play. That’s all, should be the easiest cheevo ever, yeah? Not. Bloody. Likely.

Without hitting a boosting group, which is something I generally avoid, the best way to do this is have three of your actual, honest-to-goodness friends pick up a copy of the game at the same time as you. Of course, that didn’t happen for me. I had it at the same time that one of my friends had it but he was never online. Eventually, I caught him online but he had traded it.

Round about this time, one of my other gaming buddies rented it, so I managed to score one hug. Then he handed it back and I ended up trading it in. With me so far? So, I don’t have a copy, fast forward a couple of months and one of my mates has bought it finally. I nip out to pick up a new copy and the son of a bit…the little scamp has already sold it on.

Clearly, this is not the way to go, so I decide upon a new course of action. Diving into the world of randomly partnered Portal co-op, I proceed to add every person I play with to my friends list. Here’s how that worked out (names changed to protect the “innocent”):

GONADBOY1234 HAS JOINED THE GAME

GONADBOY1234 ACCEPTED YOUR FRIEND REQUEST

ALVIMH – “Hey Gonad. Any chance of a hug?”

GONADBOY1234 – “HOMO!”

GONADBOY1234 HAS LEFT THE GAME

Searching…

SOMEUTTERGIT HAS JOINED THE GAME

SOMEUTTERGIT HAS ACCEPTED YOUR FRIEND REQUEST

ALVIMH – “Hey Git. Can you give me a hug for the achievement?”

SOMEUTTERGIT – “Yeah sure. But after we complete the course. Don’t want to get screwed over”

ALVIMH – “Fair enough”

One hour later

ALVIMH – “Done! Great playing with you! Now for that hug?”

SOMEUTTERGIT – “HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

SOMEUTTERGIT HAS LEFT THE GAME

Searching…

THELASTDAMNSTRAW HAS JOINED THE GAME

THELASTDAMNSTRAW HAS ACCEPTED YOUR FRIEND REQUEST

ALVIMH – “Right! I need a hug. Actually, I need two but screw it I’ll take one for today. So, will you help?”

THELASTDAMNSTRAW – “Sure. Come here.”

ALVIMH – “Thanks. Really apprecia-”

THELASTDAMNSTRAW HAS LEFT THE GAME

I screamed until I turned red, then until I turned purple and I finally blacked out. All the colours of the ‘bow. If you want this achievement, I recommend buying four copies of the game, distributing three amongst your friends and then never speaking of it again.

Check out Jamie’s previous Achievement Punting escapades as he puts his sanity to the test each week by clicking here.

Achievement Punter: Hug Me, Damn You! – Pratting About In Portal 2 StickTwiddlers

A few days ago, my brother-in-law and I dived into the wonderful world of WoW dungeoneering. A huge fan of 90′s children show Knightmare, I was saddened when I discovered that this would not involve donning a vision obscuring helmet and following the obstructions of pimply, ridiculously dressed teens. Still, a spot of co-op hackin’ and slashin’ sounded like fun so we queued up in the Dungeon Finder and waited for a team to gather.

We waited. We waited longer. We waited some more. we hung around, we loitered, we procrastinated and we beat around the bush. Finally, just as I was thinking it was the perfect time to nip off for a toilet break, we entered the dungeon. So, writhing in discomfort as my bladder began to swell to gargantuan proportions, I found myself entering the terrifying depths of our first dungeon.

No sooner had I arrived in the damp and dreary dungeon than I entered a spirited discussion with my stalwart teammates. It went something like this:

ME: “Ho there, fellow dungeoneers!”

TANK: “OMG STFU! JUST FOLLOW ME K?! FRAKKIN’ NOOBS!”

ME: “Right…”

HEALER: “I’ll be over here if you need me, miles from you and of no actual use”

ME: “Why would you…”

TANK: “OMFG ROFL NOOBZ FOLLOW TANK!”

ME: “I am following you, I was just wondering if…”

TANK: “OMFG STFU LOL FFS!”

ME: “You’re speaking in tongues. Should I fetch a priest?”

HEALER: “I’m lost. You guys are good without me right?”

ME: “Well, you’re kind of an integral part of…”

HEALER HAS LEFT THE GROUP

ME: “Son of a bitch.”

TANK: “STFU NOOB DPS ROFL BBQ!!!”

TANK HAS EXPLODED WITH RAGE…AND LEFT THE GROUP

ME: “Oh. Crap.”

ME HAS BEEN BRUTALLY GANG-BUGGERED BY SPIDER THINGS WITH SPIKES ON

On my second attempt, the Tank decided to pull every enemy in the cave, despite the fact that our Healer had died in some kind of freak fall. We all died, Tank screamed a string of expletives and rage quit. I got the blame.

Third attempt, the Healer muttered something about making a sandwich, Tank disappeared into the caves and I was the only Warrior. I got the blame.

It’s become clear to me that the lowest level player in World of Warcraft gets the blame, irrespective of actual wrongdoing. So, here is my advice to you folks. Play with friends or prepare for a self esteem crushing stream of abuse. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go cry in a corner for an hour.

Check out Jamie’s previous Achievement Punting escapades as he puts his sanity to the test each week by clicking here.

Achievement Punter: A Typical World Of Warcraft Dungeon Raid StickTwiddlers